Hockey of Thanks: 2010 – Return of the Beta One Chrononaut

Kohl: No, no, no, Doc, we just got here, OK, Mike Sokiveta's here; we're gonna play some hockey.

Doc: Well, bring him along. This concerns him too.

Boo: Wait a minute, Doc. What are you talking about? What happens to us in the future? What, do we become <Explicative Deleted> or something?

Doc: No, no, no, no, no, Boo, both you and CRAAB turn out fine. It's the one you call Samurai Steve, aka The Ryth, aka Shyne, aka Prime. Something has got to be done about Steve Crandell!

In a flash the Doc had a newspaper clipping out from his radiation suit and under their noses.

Doc: I've traced the events that lead to the complete collapse of society back to THIS VERY GAME OF STREET HOCKEY!

Kohl: So what do we do, Doc?

Doc: It is absolutely imperative that you do not allow Steve to score a single goal today!

Everyone: Whaaaaaaaaaa?!!!

Boo: Uh, Doc? Steve has never once in all the seventeen years that we've played hockey NOT scored a goal.

Kohl: Yeah, he's consistently dominated the top spot on James McKay's list. YOU ASK THE IMPOSSIBLE!

Doc: I don't care how you do it. Just don't let him score!!! Life as we know it depends on it!

<FASHHH! FASHH! FAAAASHHHHHHHHHH!!!!>

. . . And he was gone.

Boo: What are we going to do?

Kohl: Well maybe Steve won't show up?

Steve: Hey, guys!

And thus the teams were drawn up and, tepidly, our heroes began what quickly became the oddest and most trying game of Hockey they ever encountered.

Kohl: OK, I think I'm done.

Boo: Good Hockey everyone!

Steve: I don't know if you guys noticed, but . . . I didn't score.

Boo: What?!!!

Kohl: You didn't?!!!

Steve: Not once. That's never happened to me.

Kohl: Huh . . . Well, it happens to me all the time.

Boo: Not me.

Steve: Well, I'm taking off.

Boo: See you later, Steve!

Steve: Later.

Kohl: Wait for it . . .

<VOMIT EVERYWHERE>

GOOD HOCKEY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, and a MERRY NON-ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, EVERYONE!

A CRAAB Christmas Hockey Carol

December 22nd 2009, 2100 hours, Beverly Building.

It had rained all day, at one point had even hailed. The unprecedented number of players from all over CRAABdom who were answering affirmatively to the last minute call to arms made the probability of canceling due to inclement weather sting like a raptor kick to the nervous system. However, when I drove by the court at 8 PM it had not been raining for a couple of hours, and though the court was drenched, the water wasn't pooling and that meant we could play. Hockey was on!

Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge were as good as their word, showing up 30 minutes before any other CRAAB players. The wager this time? The winning team would receive a life altering vision on Christmas Eve night . . . and the losers would receive crippling self-doubt and rusty blades.

Because CRAAB outnumbered Team Marley, Marley, & Scrooge by four players, we had to divide up into three teams and rotate in.

I would give a play by play description of the sopping wet Hockey that went down between CRAAB and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge but, in the spirit of the season, I'll refrain. Instead I will simply say that we lost and Team Marley, Marley & Scrooge left the court that rainy winter night whooping their battle cry and boasting how big the turkeys they will buy for their employees will be . . . once they have their change of heart.

Though the crushing blow of defeat stung like an inclement weather canceled hockey game, it was undeniable that a general feeling of goodwill for our fellow man was palpable in the air . . . which incidentally feels exactly like playing a great game of Hockey.

God bless us, every one!

Hockey of Thanks: 2009 - "For the first time since 1945 the World hangs in the balance!"

The year 2009 will be recorded in The Chronicles of the Blade as the year that CRAAB Hockey saved Democracy. It was also the first year we had a team to play against.

It was early Thanksgiving morning, November 26th, 2009 when I arrived at Emerson's Parking Lot. Team Der Hockey Frau's manager, "The Major", already had his players out on the court and warming up when I got there. Of course, I was the first CRAAB member there.

"It's post-8 AM and your team of Combat Rebels is suspiciously tardy. Perhaps zis is some kind of joke?"

"Only a joke on your punctuality, Toht. It'll be another 45 minutes before enough CRAABs show up to play."

"Well played, Herr Glass, but it will be the last time you have zee uppa hand."

. . . and for the most part, he was right.

The teams were:

Der Hockey Frau

VS

The Defenders of the Free World

The Fraus came out fast and strong, taking a precarious lead over the complacent CRAAB. "Hey, no body checking . . . at least not on purpose!"

By the second water break CRAAB was down by four goals . . . by the third, six.

The nonagenarian Fraus were handing out the seats of CRAAB pants with such an unrelenting efficiency that things were not looking good for us or the American Way of Life.

As the end of the game neared, it appeared that all was lost . . . but remember, that's when the miracles happen, just like the one that happened that bright Thanksgiving Morning.

Actually, it was a miracle in three parts.
1. Steve "took one for the team" when Major Toht called for a play known as The Face Melter, bringing CRAAB within three points behind the Fraus before losing consciousness.
2. At that moment Josh rolled over in bed, thought about Hockey, and then fell back asleep.
3. Right then the phone rang. It was the President of the United States and he wanted to speak to Caleb McKay.

In a rally of renewed determination CRAAB tied up the score with the Fraus.

"Next point wins"

Three taps on the ground, three on the stick, and the fury was unleashed. CRAAB and the Fraus exchanged control of the ball seventy six times in an unparalleled display of the velocity combat of stick and blade.

Suddenly the ball was knocked high and wide, and when it landed Wesley Burnham was the only one near it. As he lined up the shot, Wesley called on the spirits of of all the turkeys that lost their lives for Thanksgiving 2009 to guide his shot.

"Gestapo Spank!"
The Frau goal tender dropped into the splits reaching for the orange blur . . . "but not today" . . . the ball glanced off the edge of her glove and spun wild through the net-less goal.

"CRAAB WINS!!! CRAAB WINS!!!

LET FREEDOM RING!!!!"

As the Fraus packed up and departed, we all stood for the Pledge of Allegiance, and it was said in Mesa that day, that there wasn't a free dry eye within a 40 yard spread Emerson Parking Lot.

"That was some good Hockey."

Catalyst of Hockey

by Tim Boyle (2001)

Fare-Thee-Well Hockey: July 2009

Boy: Grandfather, tell my a story!
Grandfather: Alright, go and get your storybook.
Boy: No, no, not one of those, a real story!
Grandfather: A real story?
Boy: Yes, tell me about when you were a boy.
Grandfather: Well, then, I shall have to take you back with me, a long way in time...



It was the evening of the eighteenth day of the seventh month
Of the two thousand and ninth year of our Lord.
As I walked through the old neighborhood, I heard the sound of blades, and speed,
I felt compelled to walk on and find the place of these sounds,
And when the houses did clear I was standing
On the fabled battlefield of Beverly.

Suddenly a gust of wind came up from the North,
There appeared a lone player, holding a mighty hockey stick,
Then from the east came another, also bearing a hockey stick of power,
And finally from the west, a player who also wielded a great hockey stick of war.
They were few in number but the look in their eyes told all who
Beheld them that they would leave this day
Only in victory or death.
And there was a Great silence...

I watched the three players raise their weapons into the air.
And the three spoke the words of the Hockey Warriors Prayer.

"Gods of Acceleration I call you,
My stick is by my side.
I seek a life of honor,
Free from all false pride.
I will shoot goals with a bold mighty hail.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail.
Glory, majesty, unity
Hail, hail, hail."

And as I stood and looked on, I heard the
Armies of the world hail them without end,
And their voices of victory carried
Long and far throughout the land
As they met on the battlefield with a mighty clash!
I could feel the ground shake,
The earth drank much blood that day.
Each of the three, was unto himself, a whirlwind of doom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grandfather: Well, that's it, did you like the story?
Boy: Yeah, it was great!
Grandfather: Oh good, I'm glad. now off to bed with you.
Boy: Grandfather?
Grandfather: Yes?
Boy: Who were those three men?
Grandfather: Who were they? They were Boo, Caleb, and Kohl . . . the HOCKEY KINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!*

So how did we play with three players? By an act of sheer WILL. We played 2 vs 1, rotating after each goal. Surprisingly it wasn't all that bad . . . though it was exhausting. We only played for a little bit then went swimming at the Lovely Oleander Pool.

This upcoming August marks the first time in the history of CRAAB that there will not be enough consistent hockey players in Mesa to hold "regular" hockey games. What will be Hockey's role in CRAAB's future? That is unforeseen. I'm sure The Hockey of Thanks will still be held annually, as will other special hockey events . . . but the casualness of CRAAB Hockey, the, "Hey, I want to play hockey, let's plan a game for this weekend" is leaving for that special Motorball place. NO!!! I will find a way to keep you alive CRAAB Hockey . . . I will not let you go quietly into the night!!!

*Inspired by The Warrior's Prayer by Manowar

"No, Officer, No Sexual Tention Here."

Did it go in?!!!

Negative, negative, just impacted on the surface.

Wait, where's Tim and Iris?

They're over there . . . on the ground.

Ah FETCH!!!!

It was a time of frequent and intense Hockey. The sweet strains of The Touch, Tarzan Boy and Get Out of My Way echoed out over the dusty parking lot of Emerson Elementary, where we swarmed through the night like insects in pursuit of the sport. There was adrenalin, there was velocity, there was camaraderie . . . and there was Tim and Iris.

Sometimes Tim and Iris were on the same team, and sometimes they were not, but they seemed to always end up on the ground together "fighting" . . . but like sea lions.

They weren't married then . . . in fact, this behavior was observed even before they started dating; back when there was love, but it was mostly unrequited, and a "Just Friends" status that was trying to be maintained.

Normally this wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, if you want to roll around on the ground in a filthy parking lot with a girl of comparable height, "More power to you!" that's what I say. But during this period, Tim was topping James McKay's list and was always one of the first picks. So to have one of your big guns "out of commission" for a handful of goals was a little tiny bit frustrating . . . and if Tim and Iris were both on your team you really got the shaft.

So the rest of us would watch them frolic with a mixture of amusement and disgust, joking mercilessly to cover the uncomfortableness, and wondering when are they going to stop denying their feelings for one another so we can get back to playing Hockey.



Sometimes when you're "Just Friends", being "Just Friends" isn't enough. Sometimes you also gotta be "Parking Lot Hockey Sea Lion Wrestling Buddies" too.

Hockey is Not a Crime: Part 2

Years upon years, eons upon eons, times a million and you would still not be close to how long we have been bothered by Mesa's finest. The conflict is old and bitter. - Steve Crandell

(Taken from a post on 10/20/01)

The Following is The Steve Crandell 5 Step Plan for making sure we are never kicked off the court again.

Step 1: make sure Josh is there the night the plan is to be set into motion.

Step 2: Make Josh play with one of the really old stick that are in the back of my truck

Step 3: Add one officer

Step 4: Wait until the Officer has said his spiel and is waiting for us to leave.

Step 5: Enter Josh: <in a nearly inaudible whisper> "When I was thirteen, <getting louder> I wanted to try swimming <face begins to redden> But they shut the pool down for resurfacing. <louder> When I was 15 I wanted to try basketball, <almost yelling> but the PTO shut the program down for that year because a kid broke his ankle the season before <face continues to darken and voice continues to rise>. When I was 16 I wanted to play paint pellets, but the legislature had passed a gun control law that shut down paint pellet fields for 6 months. <face is now nearly purple and jaw is rattling back and forth as entire cranium quivers with rage> ALL I WANT TO DO IS PLAY SOME SORT OF SPORT WITH MY FRIENDS!! <The Brunsdales windows are shaking> BUT YOU!! YOU HAVE NOW TAKEN THIS <Breaks hockey stick over knee (shows no pain)> EVEN THIS, MY MOST FAVORITE SPORT IN THE WHOLE WORLD AWAY FROM ME!!! <doubles up the broken pieces of the hockey stick and breaks them again (still no pain)>. CRIMINALS RUN RAMPANT IN THE STREETS, DRUGS FLOW LIKE WARM HONEY THROUGH OUR NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT RATHER THAN WORRYING ABOUT THAT, YOU <breaks all four 8 inch lengths of his hockey stick>, YOU!!! HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO STOP AND HARASS A GROUP OF LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS WHO WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO RELAX FOR ONE FRIGGIN NIGHT AND PLAY HOCKEY ON A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP ASPHALT HOCKEY COURT THAT ISN'T WORTH THE TIME THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT WORKERS PUT INTO MAKING IT. <throws the pieces of his stick into the air and lets an inhuman screech out into the night sky>. <voice returns to a whisper as Josh slowly advances on the officer> But you know what? You know what? <finger is held aloft, it too quivering> It was good enough for us. We didn't complain. We didn't complain at all that there is nowhere for us to play in this whole, corrupt, underfunded, hot city. Instead we made do. <now stops advancing on the officer and looks him up and down> We're going to leave now, but before we do, I want to ask you to do me one favor. The next time you find yourself approaching a vehicle full of gun-wielding gangsters, or having to storm a crack house, or do any of the hundreds of dangerous parts of your job, I want you to think about how much you would rather take all the would-be criminals in this city and give them a place to play games, play sports, or maybe just socialize. How you'd rather provide a hundred things for them to do so that you don't have to risk your neck again, because just a few of them chose athleticism over crime. And when you think how nice that would be, I want you to think about tonight when you kicked a bunch of honest kids off their court, and into the night. Think about that, and then wonder, every time you lock another kid up, if it was one of us. <Kneels down and removes skates, throws them into the sand. Turns and walks slowly away without a backward glance as the theme to Braveheart slowly begins to echo and reecho in the distance.>

Chronicles of the Blade: Hockey is Not a Crime!

Back in the late 90’s/early 00’s, CRAAB had a very real problem with the police kicking us out of the Emerson Elementary Parking Lot in the middle of our nighttime games of Hockey. An appearance of a police cruiser on Westwood St. was a sure sign that we should start packing up to go home. There was a stretch of a couple months where, I believe, every single game ended not with a winning goal but with police interdiction. It got so bad that we tried playing at other locations for a while, but none suited our needs and proximity as well as Emerson. Eventually the police harassment faded away. I think I heard something about some CRAAB member talking to the head of the school board and getting permission to play there or some such. I don’t have the details on that, but the festering ball of frustration that was The Battle for Emerson: CRAAB vs The Cops is still there in our collective hearts, and should be celebrated at every chance.

Chronicles of the Blade: April13th, 2001

There is a whole grundel of excuses, reasons, and obstacles that are racking our circle. Deteriorating not only our system of recreation but loosening our grip on our mortal coils. Some of these excuses are absolute and unresolvable, eliminating members of our clan indefinitely. Other reasons are more temporary, like finals and other scholastic pursuits. The semester is coming to a close and the pressure is on. It is not a time for distractions. It is a time of focus. A time of thinking. Therefore things will be put on hold (or at least slowed down quite a bit) until the semester is over and summer starts proper. There will still be updates, there will still be posts and Emails. There will be less Hockey/Motorball games announced. In this "down" time, I think it would behoove us to think about this. On the third of this month a new Chronicler Question poll was created, and it asked, "What Should the Future of Motorball Be?" Below are the options and the results as of today.

Chronicle Question What Should the Future of Motorball Be?
Total abandonment with a decree to never speak of it again. (0) 0.00%
Retire the sport, reference it daily, exaggerate it greatly. (8) 32.00%
It hurts and therefore is evil and should be avoided. (0) 0.00%
Once a month or less. (1) 4.00%
Twice a month or more. (1) 4.00%
It should be played and played often-P.S. I won't be there (0) 0.00%
I am not allowed/able to play, so I really don't care. (2) 8.00%
New stats! New armor! New blood! Bring it On! Tonight!!!! (4) 16.00%
A video game substitute should be found. (2) 8.00%
Detachable cybernetic bodies in a post-apocalyptic world. (7) 28.00%
25 Total Votes

You did have the option to vote for more than one selection to best represent how you felt, and thus the larger number of votes. As you can see the highest reaping selection was, "Retire the sport, reference it daily, exaggerate it greatly." with 32.00% of the vote. In truth, this surprised me. Of course there was a strong Pro-Motorball turn out but the persistent Anti-Motorball presence, got me thinking. This poll was sent out to test the waters, to see if Motorball should be retained in our itinerary, but because of the mixed response, it is time to shed the anonymity and discuss this as a Forum. To be totally fair, I will be moderating the posts for flaming or trash talk, before they are sent to the Forum, so that we can maintain the discussion where everyone can express their views without fear of criticism for having an opposing view. It is time to use the forum like a forum. I want to get everyone's input, and I want everyone to argue their opinion. Your participation will be greatly appreciated.

-The Chronicler

P.S. For those who haven't figured it out, the Florianopolis Intro Gif is a parody of the over-used missionary farwell hit, "I Will Find you My Friend" and the equally over-used story that inspired it.

Chronicles of the Blade: April 3rd, 2001

Pablo Picasso once said, "Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction." The question that enters my mind is, "What has to be destroyed to make a baby?" Of course that might be a very personal question that varies with each set of parents. But regardless of what has been destroyed the babies have come. The once "little unnamed Boyle" will be known as "Charlie" in the eyes of God. I, however, have decided to call him "Algernon" and I will try to persuade others to follow suit. Jake and his Al pal had their kid, naming him "Tate", opening the door for such gems as "Tater-Tot", "Tater sauce","Tate Crimes","Tatred","The Ol' Tate and Switch","David B. Tate", "The Tatekeeper" "Tater Control Crest" and so forth.
For those who do not know, Motorball was not held this weekend. There is no information on the reason at this time, but I will keep you up to date on any late breaking news. There was a drop in voter turn out for our last poll, "Motorball Vs. Hockey," with an even 30% attendance. But regardless of this it was evident that Hockey is predominantly more popular than Motorball. I think this is very interesting. I belive Hockey is based more on skill and therefore has more of an art to it than Motorball which seems steeped in endurance and brute force. Motorball on the other hand is an adaptation of a comic, and there fore totally unique to our circles. It also holds an enthralling mystique with the numbers, shirts, symbols, stats, lingo, and armor. Something we have yet applied to Hockey. Playing Hockey "well" is based on how one skates, steels, scores, and handles the ball. Playing Motorball "well" is based on how one suppresses the instinct of self-preservation. Where Hockey is a surgeon's scalpel, Motorball is a baseball bat. After Hockey I feel like I have been sharpened and honed, after Motorball I feel like a Survivor. Motorball brings on a paradigm shift, as if a freeing of the soul comes from the destruction of the body. One feels beaten and so very alive. Maybe that is what Picasso was talking about. I think Hockey and Motorball has a yin yang effect. The one providing where the other lacks. I believe it would be a mistake if we were to abandon one or both. Of course, these are my thoughts and opinions, and I welcome any and all who have opposing or supporting opinions that you want to share. Please send them to me and I will post them on this page, or you can post them on the forum. It is up to you.

-The Chronicler

Chronicles of the Blade: March 19th, 2001

Congratulations
To Tim for becoming the first CRAAB father
To Iris for emerging victorious in her battle against pregnancy
To the little unnamed Boyle for making it here OK

Emerson's parking lot, MCC's Wheelchair Course, and Deep Space . . . silent, so very, very silent. Spring Break came and went and the silence remained. There have been many theories formulated to explain this phenomenon but Aaron Shepherd said it true when he said, "We should have played Hockey this week." Yes, Aaron, we should have. I apologize for the silence on my end. Things were . . . hectic. Beyond the smaller turn out of our last game, and then the absence of games these last two weeks, things are going well. Here it is the 19th of March and we have already past the total number of posts in February. All of the site's links and "extras" are up and working. We also had a (record) 64.075882353% turn out at the voting poll, which was somewhat controversial because it delved into the true identity behind The Chronicler. Steve received one vote, Chris received one vote, Josh received one vote, and Bruce Laborin received one vote, but the mass consensus identified The Chronicler as Tim Boyle, with a sweeping six votes. As The Chronicler, all I have to say is, you couldn't be more wrong. I wanted to keep my identity a . . . "secret" doesn't seem right to say . . . a less known fact, because I wanted The Chronicles of the Blade to be fair, equal, and devoid of agendas, opinions, and biases. This can only be done if an unknown entity, also fair, equal, and devoid of agendas, opinions, and biases is the one who moderates and maintains the forum. I can conceal my identity but I cannot conceal my personality, and therefore I think it has become a little too easy to identify who I really am. So no more charades. I will maintain the title as The Chronicler when dealing with this forum, but no longer will I continue under the pretense that my identity is a secret (as of late, I am the only one who thought it was). I am Kohl Glass, I am Katana. You can call me what you want but don't you dare call me late for dinner!

-The Chronicler

Chronicles of the Blade: Feruary 26th, 2001

Everything is going according to plan. Extra-Chronicler posting is now the rage. And there was a 55.555% voter turnout at the Chronicles of the Blade poll, with the "Oh . . . Boyle Vomit! Everywhere!" option getting 60% of the votes. Weekly Street Hockey is again weekly. Also, the last two Hockey games were well peopled. The Friday (16th) game was a little too numerous for most player's tastes, but the Thursday* (22nd) game was just right, at an average of four against four. Maybe this will reveal me as an elitist but I feel that as Hockey goes three on three and four on four are optimal numbers. Even five on five is OK but not more. In fact I would rather play two on two that six on six. The reason being is the court is not big enough and everyone tends to start playing like they did when they played soccer in the third grade. The ball wanders all around the court with a large mass following behind it. At this point skill fades behind the glaring randomness of luck. And the point of playing is not as obvious. The exact opposite is true about Motorball, the more the better! Anyway, that is why we don't play on Friday every week. Though at times it excludes many, weekdays have less of a turn out. Regardless there will be a Hockey game 8:30pm on Friday the 2nd of March, 2001 at Emerson. To be there will be to take a stand against entropy. Think globally, play locally.

-The Chronicler

*Read Thursday's game write up by the Beast!

Chronicles of the Blade: Feruary 16th, 2001

Bladerunners
The first week of Chronicles of the Blade is behind us and as of Wednesday there have been three posts . . . all from me. The voting poll was used a little more than the Forum was. There were 13 votes, which means that there were at least eight people who went to the web site (5 of the votes were mine). I guess even forums are subject to inertia. I want to take this time to declare that Chronicles of the Blade is not solely for the announcement of Motorball and Hockey games. It is for the expression of views, opinions, thoughts, questions, ideas and discoveries. A place where the love of Motorball and Hockey is the common bond but not always the subject. For example it was recently pointed out that there is an up coming movie called "Rollerball" which has an uncanny resemblance to our very own Motorball. The trailer can be viewed at
http://www.rollerball.com/trailer.html
Now that is something isn't it? Did Hollywood executives finally discover Battle Angel Alita but failed to get the rights? Or is Rollerball's similarities to Motorball only a facade? Which individual will sacrifice time, money and possibly intelligence to satisfy the curiosity of the group? Things to think about. Things that could be posted on Chronicles of the Blade by one who is not me. There will be Hockey, Friday the 16th 8:30pm at Emerson Elementary and we hope to have a good turnout since A) the planning process was held democratically and B) Friday night games tend to not want for the lack of players. See you there.

-The Chronicler

Chronicles of the Blade: Feruary 9th, 2001

Chronicles of the Blade Members

Welcome. Chronicles of the Blade is the official Street Hockey and Mothball E-mail forum of Craab, replacing the Never-Forsake-Hockey forum. In the introductory message there appeared a phrase that said, "Prepare for the Second Phase of the Craab based blade sport renaissance." For some time now there have been movements and efforts to renew Craab's devotion to movement and adventure. This forum is yet another step in the crusade against rigor mortis. You are invited to visit the Forum's group page at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Chronicles-of-the-Blade
Once there, you might notice that there are many options that can be put into use. Options like the archives, polls, chatting and so forth. We are working to have those options integrated into the forum by the end of Neveruary*. Until then go get your skates on! The knee pad has landed!

The Chronicler

*Due to the fact that Yahoo is run by the last vestige of chronologically preserved Third Reich generals from the basement of a European castle with a large map, Chronicles of the Blade will not be using the "Group Options," beyond posting E-mails.