"No, Officer, No Sexual Tention Here."

Did it go in?!!!

Negative, negative, just impacted on the surface.

Wait, where's Tim and Iris?

They're over there . . . on the ground.

Ah FETCH!!!!

It was a time of frequent and intense Hockey. The sweet strains of The Touch, Tarzan Boy and Get Out of My Way echoed out over the dusty parking lot of Emerson Elementary, where we swarmed through the night like insects in pursuit of the sport. There was adrenalin, there was velocity, there was camaraderie . . . and there was Tim and Iris.

Sometimes Tim and Iris were on the same team, and sometimes they were not, but they seemed to always end up on the ground together "fighting" . . . but like sea lions.

They weren't married then . . . in fact, this behavior was observed even before they started dating; back when there was love, but it was mostly unrequited, and a "Just Friends" status that was trying to be maintained.

Normally this wouldn't be a big deal. I mean, if you want to roll around on the ground in a filthy parking lot with a girl of comparable height, "More power to you!" that's what I say. But during this period, Tim was topping James McKay's list and was always one of the first picks. So to have one of your big guns "out of commission" for a handful of goals was a little tiny bit frustrating . . . and if Tim and Iris were both on your team you really got the shaft.

So the rest of us would watch them frolic with a mixture of amusement and disgust, joking mercilessly to cover the uncomfortableness, and wondering when are they going to stop denying their feelings for one another so we can get back to playing Hockey.



Sometimes when you're "Just Friends", being "Just Friends" isn't enough. Sometimes you also gotta be "Parking Lot Hockey Sea Lion Wrestling Buddies" too.

Hockey is Not a Crime: Part 2

Years upon years, eons upon eons, times a million and you would still not be close to how long we have been bothered by Mesa's finest. The conflict is old and bitter. - Steve Crandell

(Taken from a post on 10/20/01)

The Following is The Steve Crandell 5 Step Plan for making sure we are never kicked off the court again.

Step 1: make sure Josh is there the night the plan is to be set into motion.

Step 2: Make Josh play with one of the really old stick that are in the back of my truck

Step 3: Add one officer

Step 4: Wait until the Officer has said his spiel and is waiting for us to leave.

Step 5: Enter Josh: <in a nearly inaudible whisper> "When I was thirteen, <getting louder> I wanted to try swimming <face begins to redden> But they shut the pool down for resurfacing. <louder> When I was 15 I wanted to try basketball, <almost yelling> but the PTO shut the program down for that year because a kid broke his ankle the season before <face continues to darken and voice continues to rise>. When I was 16 I wanted to play paint pellets, but the legislature had passed a gun control law that shut down paint pellet fields for 6 months. <face is now nearly purple and jaw is rattling back and forth as entire cranium quivers with rage> ALL I WANT TO DO IS PLAY SOME SORT OF SPORT WITH MY FRIENDS!! <The Brunsdales windows are shaking> BUT YOU!! YOU HAVE NOW TAKEN THIS <Breaks hockey stick over knee (shows no pain)> EVEN THIS, MY MOST FAVORITE SPORT IN THE WHOLE WORLD AWAY FROM ME!!! <doubles up the broken pieces of the hockey stick and breaks them again (still no pain)>. CRIMINALS RUN RAMPANT IN THE STREETS, DRUGS FLOW LIKE WARM HONEY THROUGH OUR NEIGHBORHOODS, BUT RATHER THAN WORRYING ABOUT THAT, YOU <breaks all four 8 inch lengths of his hockey stick>, YOU!!! HAVE TAKEN THE TIME TO STOP AND HARASS A GROUP OF LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS WHO WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO RELAX FOR ONE FRIGGIN NIGHT AND PLAY HOCKEY ON A WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP ASPHALT HOCKEY COURT THAT ISN'T WORTH THE TIME THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT WORKERS PUT INTO MAKING IT. <throws the pieces of his stick into the air and lets an inhuman screech out into the night sky>. <voice returns to a whisper as Josh slowly advances on the officer> But you know what? You know what? <finger is held aloft, it too quivering> It was good enough for us. We didn't complain. We didn't complain at all that there is nowhere for us to play in this whole, corrupt, underfunded, hot city. Instead we made do. <now stops advancing on the officer and looks him up and down> We're going to leave now, but before we do, I want to ask you to do me one favor. The next time you find yourself approaching a vehicle full of gun-wielding gangsters, or having to storm a crack house, or do any of the hundreds of dangerous parts of your job, I want you to think about how much you would rather take all the would-be criminals in this city and give them a place to play games, play sports, or maybe just socialize. How you'd rather provide a hundred things for them to do so that you don't have to risk your neck again, because just a few of them chose athleticism over crime. And when you think how nice that would be, I want you to think about tonight when you kicked a bunch of honest kids off their court, and into the night. Think about that, and then wonder, every time you lock another kid up, if it was one of us. <Kneels down and removes skates, throws them into the sand. Turns and walks slowly away without a backward glance as the theme to Braveheart slowly begins to echo and reecho in the distance.>

Motorball: Exhilaration goeth before a Fall

Flight
speed across smooth cement
reaching up to hold and kiss you
wind
resisting the slice of your body through the night
the grip of the sphere in your conquering hand
almost there
legs pump
smooth strides toward victory
imagination sparks
laughter calls
Exhilaration goeth before a fall

I sigh and mark another takedown.

- Chris Glass "The Motorball Oracle"

Chronicles of the Blade: Hockey is Not a Crime!

Back in the late 90’s/early 00’s, CRAAB had a very real problem with the police kicking us out of the Emerson Elementary Parking Lot in the middle of our nighttime games of Hockey. An appearance of a police cruiser on Westwood St. was a sure sign that we should start packing up to go home. There was a stretch of a couple months where, I believe, every single game ended not with a winning goal but with police interdiction. It got so bad that we tried playing at other locations for a while, but none suited our needs and proximity as well as Emerson. Eventually the police harassment faded away. I think I heard something about some CRAAB member talking to the head of the school board and getting permission to play there or some such. I don’t have the details on that, but the festering ball of frustration that was The Battle for Emerson: CRAAB vs The Cops is still there in our collective hearts, and should be celebrated at every chance.

Hockey: Craab Day 2009: Saturday March 7th

Craab Day 2009 began as it should have, with Hockey in the Emerson Parking Lot.

Players in attendance:
Jacob Shepherd

Heather Shepherd

















Kohl

















Boo

















Zeke

















Westley Burnham

















Steve

















Before we started I had to do a little surgery on Cash to replace the head. Actually Steve did the surgery, I just held her down and kept her from screaming.


The teams were Boo, Zeke, Jacob, and Westley vs. Steve, Heather and myself. Over all this was some of the sweetest Hockey we've had in a while.

Hockey: December 27th, 2008

The Blades of Thanks: 2008

This year there will be HOCKEY, on blessed Thanksgiving day.
To not show up, sadly enough, will be seen as a sign you're gay.
It's time again to gather with blades and friendship dear.
To send a cry out into the universe that CRAAB is indeed still here.
So put off the wuss, get out of bed, and finally regrow that spine. At Emerson parking lot, this Thanksgiving morning, HOCKEY will start at nine.

That was the call that went out for the traditional CRAAB Thanksgiving morning Hockey game on November 27th 2008. However it rained the night before and due to puddles on Emerson, we had to move the game to The Beverly Building Parking Lot.

Players in attendance:
James











Zeke

Caleb











Meredith











Kohl











Boo











The teams were Boo, Caleb, Zeke versus Team Beards and Meredith which consisted of Meredith, James and myself.


Attendance was surprisingly low for a Thanksgiving Game, but three on three is within optimal numbers (which run from three on three up to five on five), so the play was excellent. Because of the rain, the court was wet and tight turns were prohibitive. James went down quite a bit, but there were a lot less falls than I thought there would be.